scared

In 5 hours I leave my house for another operation this is the one many of you signed the petition to try help me keep the implant but luck and time have so not been on my side.

They are going to reopen  my spine to hopefully get rid finally of the infection that has reared up again  but it hasn’t reached  the stage it got to  the last time though it is very tender to touch and hurts to sit in a chair with things pressing on my back so this part will  come as much needed relief.

The part that is still upsetting me that I still do not and not really at the place I want is let them take the scs implant out it seems so cruel that things have gone so badly wrong, but with everything going on with the loss of various feelings in my body it has left me no choice and in theory I still haven made that choice too the doctors have for me.

I have every hope in the world that  this will be the end of the infection and in a better place for the rest to be dealt with, those of you that know me well with the luck I have had with  straight forward procedures  that all this started with a operation on my leg that even my own cousin had  had and was back playing rugby but me no I go loose my  job , my horses, and my place on the international tae kwon do team, lot to loose hey .

But the scariest thing and hardest is all the broken promises and false hopes given by doctors  it’s a hard pill for anyone  to swallow espec when its these guys you have to  put your trust in.

I do not know where things will take me after tomorrow , I do not know how much I will recover and no one can tell me either its  just maybes possibilities .

With 4 half hours to go now not wanting to even walk out my door, but I promised I would turn up its on thing I can say I have done every physio session no matter how  painful every scary procedure up to now every pill they said would help and brought virtually a gym which now sits in my house I kept my word and gave 200%.